James reviews 'Star Trek: Voyager', 'Race Across the World' and 'Taskmaster'

Hello, I’m James Brook, and welcome to the fourteenth episode of ‘I Review Freeview.’ 

There is a short intro podcast, which you can listen to if you like. But really it’s straightforward: you suggest upcoming Freeview programs and I review them. If no-one suggests anything, then I have a look and choose something myself. 

Remember: send suggestions and comments to contact@ireviewfreeview.com or go to IReviewFreeview.com. 

Additionally, on IReviewFreeview.com, you can now see what I’m going to be reviewing next time. Oh Joy!

In this episode, I will review: 

Star Trek: Voyager on Sky Mix

Race Across the World on BBC1

Taskmaster on Channel 4

That’s a couple of game shows (well, I think they’re game shows or some species of reality TV) I’ve never seen, and a series I’ve not dropped in on since Kirk and Spock ruled the universe. 

Should be interesting.

By the way, the image for this episode was generated by a free AI image generator with the prompt:

a colourful painting of a globe, a rocket ship and a man with a whip.

So, here we go.

Star Trek: Voyager (S 2 E 24: Tuvix), on Sky Mix, Wednesday April 24th, 7:00pm 

I’d better say upfront, I’m going to half-quote from a couple of other franchises, so please, Trekkies - don’t get all twitchy. In fact, you’re probably best advised to skip this review anyway.   

I’ve not really watched any TV Star Trek for - literally - about 50 years. Not since James T Kirk and Dr. Spock hung up their phasers and retired to some galaxy far far away.

The films are a different matter, but I remember this first TV series for shonky plots, beam me up Scottie and heart-on-sleeve belief in truth, justice and the American way.

The thing is, Kirk and Spock and various expendable members of the crew did things. They ran around on planets, met bad guys and good guys and weren’t afraid of conflict. I can’t remember if phasers were ever set to kill, but opponents fell over anyway. Sometimes - not often - there was even an attempt at humour other than Spock raising an eyebrow. And when the Enterprise went on the attack, photon torpedoes blasting, those bad guys had better watch out!

All good stuff for a somewhat nerdy young man watching on a 12 inch black and white TV perched on a wobbly chair in his manky bedsit.

The trouble with this episode of ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ is that very little happens. There’s no menace, no bad guys, no phasers, tasers or indeed much of anything.

A couple of the crew, the vulcan Tuvok and a character with mad hair Neelix are down on a planet collecting flowers. When they are beamed up, their genetic material mingles and they materialise as a single person who names himself Tuvix. Physically, he’s sort of like one and sort of like the other. In a spiffing example of 2 being better than one, he’s a greater cook than the one who was a cook and also just as good, if not superior, than the other at standing around looking intelligent.

Now I expected there to be a growing realisation that there’s something else inside this unlikely person. Something sinister. Maybe an alien spider or a bee with pollen on its knees. Or perhaps a mysterious spirit of long ago, at last getting its ghostly hands on something physical.

Then, there could have been loads of shenanigans such as … I dunno, Tuvix being caught stuffing himself with dandelions or perhaps trying to crash the starship into the nearest sun.

Which would be foiled - of course - by a reverse polarity thingamuy-jiggerme separating the two and exposing the third, evil presence, which would be attacked with phasers on stun.

In other words it would be a fairly standard, enjoyable, Kirk era episode.

But in voyager.. ha! No such luck. Tuvix is genuine: he’s more than the sum of his parts and becomes a well liked and respected member of the crew. He plays pool with them (winning, of course) and advises the captain, played here by a channelled Katherine Hepburn.

So, where’s the prob? Well Neelix (he of the mad hair) and a girl crew member were having an unlikely romance. But now, Neelix has gone, but not gone, and is - sort of - living on in the person of Tuvix. Do keep up. So, cue much heartache, soul-to-soul conversations and mournful music.

Cripes, it was tedious. Without action, without people running around shooting ray guns, without space ships whizzing through hyperspace and without at least some sense of danger, Star Trek becomes turgid, dull and extraordinarily boring. It could all have happened in Coronation street, with the addition of actors needed a plot boost getting experimented on by a mad professor hiding in the expanded beer cellar under the Rover’s return.

Meantime, on the TV, the doctor on the spaceship says he can split Tuvix back into Neelix and Tuvox.

Hurrah, we all think. Get on with it.

But Tuvix objects. He looks upset and complaints splitting him into two would kill him. A valid point, but it does lead to yet another round of heart searching and difficult decisions being made.

In the end the captain steps up to the plate: after all, it’s what she’s there for. She injects Tuvix with a serum (or something) and activates a limited edition beam me up Scottie mechanism.

And in a few seconds Neelix and Tuvox are back! Hooray! Switch off, and forget you’ve wasted an hour of your life.

I can’t help but feel Star Trek went down a blind ally with ‘Voyager.’ Clearly, they are trying something different. A more sober, issue based exploration of ideas perhaps. Maybe they thought hitching sixth form common room debates crossed with secrets from the confessional to a rampantly successful TV sci-fi series would lead to world peace.

They were wrong. By the time it was over, I felt like putting my foot through the screen. But I went for a walk instead, in a vain attempt to save the world with shoe leather.

So, on we go to:

Race Across the World (S 4 E 3) on BBC1, Wednesday April 24th, 9:00pm 

Usually, I hate travel programs. All going places, seeing things and eating weird stuff. Who wants to do that? Not me for sure.

So reviewing ‘Race Across the World’ is yet another battle in my war against the tyranny of my comfort zone. And as I’m doing this podcast mainly to keep ahead of any encroaching dementia, a constant low-level fight with whatever lets me feel safe and warm is mandatory as snug inertia is not good for those synapses.

So: ‘Race Across the World’ is a canny mix of competition, travelog, human interest and large backpacks. This episode started in Hanoi (Vietnam) and ended in Phnom Penh (Cambodia). That’s about 2,000 kilometres, or if you’re still thinking in miles, 2,000 kilometres. They have a limited budget, but if they stop off and work, they can top this up, but lose time in doing so.

There’s five couples left at this point. I won’t give names as it’s tedious remembering them. Instead I’ll just call them: The Olds (who are old); Sis and Bro (Sister and Brother); Best Pals (self-explanatory); Mum and Daughter(1), and Mum and Daughter(2).

At the start, Mum and daughter(1) are in the lead. They hop on a bus, go a little way before hopping off to wash some bikes and scooters. Money earnt, they are invited to eat with the manager’s family. This is a great honour, but daughter takes one look at the food and decides no thanks. I’m surprised the manager didn’t ask for his money back.

I’m probably rather dumb, because it was only then I realised this ‘work’ was all set up by the production team. More and more I am being reminded of characters on a board game, a thought further enhanced with the use of maps and little pop-up depictions of the various players as they trundle down Vietnam and into Cambodia. 

Indeed, a quick Google reveals there is a board game. I bet on the board there’s a square labelled ‘wash bikes: miss a turn, earn $20.’

Anyway, while they’re washing bikes, Mum and Daughter(2) have decided to catch a train from Hanoi all the way to Ho Chi Minh City. Some 1500 kilometers. At the leisurely pace of Vietnamese trains - some 50 kilometers an hour - it’s going to take them 36 hours.

The Olds are also on a train and are worried about catching a bus at the other end. Mr Old wanders up and down with a handwritten notice reading ‘Please Help.’ which he sticks in front of people lying on stacked up bunks. Eventually he meets a cheerful English-speaking Vietnamese chap who promptly digs out his phone and makes the booking. Mrs Old, sitting watching the fields slowly passing at little more than walking pace, is pleased.

‘Good,’ she says.

Mr Old sits and looks out of the window. ‘That cow,’ he laments, ‘is going faster than us.’

Best Pals have now reached a city with a river full of floating candles, which is a way of remembering and celebrating departed loved ones. One Pal sits in a boat, lights a candle and lets it drift away. He talks about his Mum. Tears come to his eyes and he nearly chokes up. Tears come to my eyes, for it is truly moving.

Sis and Bro are doing OK. They bump into the Mum and Daughter(1) at a bus terminal and Bro tells them the bus they’re after doesn’t get to Cambodia. But then his sister says he’s lying and they have an argument about ethics. Oh, what a little rascal!

The Best Pals - in spite of walking for hours along a dusty road miles from anywhere, make it first to Phnom Penh, followed by Mum and Daughter(1). I forget who were third and fourth, but remember that the last pair, who get eliminated, were Mum and Daughter(2).

So they get to go home. Lucky them, I think, for I find I’ve stopped caring about any of them. Except for the brother and his questionable ethics, they all seem perfectly nice: the sort of people who apologise when they bump into you in the Tescos fruit isle.

But - as usual - the inherent phoniness gets to me. I can never forget these couples traipsing from A to B are being filmed and recorded. Each pair has probably 3 people following them wherever they go, plus most likely an interpreter doubling up as a guide.

And once that thought seeps into your head, it’s difficult to stop the cynicism spouting up. 

For instance, Mr Old and his little notice finding a co-operative chap on the train. Was that exactly what happened, or was it set up? And, even if it wasn’t, would he have responded so positively if there hadn’t been a film crew in attendance? After all, people like to look good on camera, don’t they?

Yep: it’s the old, well known conundrum of observation changing the event.

And then I tell myself - and this has been a recurrent theme in this podcast - when all’s said and done, they are making a TV program, and TV programs require drama. We sit on our sofas watching and criticising, while they’re charging about creating content.

And you have to admit, ‘Race Across the World’ is good TV. What I think about it is not particularly relevant.  

But - and here’s the acid test - have I put it on series record?

Nope. Sorry.

Let’s move on:

Taskmaster (s 17 E 5) on Channel 4, Thursday April 25, 9:00pm

Taskmaster, I discovered to my delight, is actually a visual cousin to radio 4’s ‘I’m sorry I haven’t a clue’, where Jack Dee gives assembled comics and wits ‘silly things to do.’

In Taskmaster, Greg Davies - seated in a gilded pantomime throne - gives assembled comics and wits silly tasks. I hadn’t realised quite how silly until I saw one of them carrying an extended gutter with pictures of the host attached: a blatant attempt at flattery. Or someone with a stuffed cow on his back. Both were responding to the challenge of ‘get loaded.’

To start, each contender had to bring in a picture. So there was a painting of a bird, a balloon being deflated, a couple of others and - startlingly, strikingly - a photo of a lonely chap munching on a burger while staring into the abyss.

The chap that bought it said - ‘It captures the true bleakness of being a travelling comedian better than any image in the history of civilisation.’

To which Greg Davies replies: ‘Jesus Christ, that’s a build up.’

But the picture itself is of such a soul searching desolation, it could have been painted by Munch - y’know. him of ‘the scream.’ (aaaahhh)

So it was a bit of a downer right at the start. But not to worry: the fun and games proceeded apace.

Next up, it was the ‘get loaded’ task, quickly followed by ‘the fresh prince of mid-air,’ in which each comic needed to get a photo of themselves in mid-air. Or - to be more precise - appearing to be in mid-air.

I was impressed by the ingenuity of the various attempts, particularly the lady bouncing on a trampoline while pouring tea into a mug held by a man with a bird’s head. But the chap rolling around in a set of tyres on the dubious reasoning he’d look like washing in a machine at the moment they’re all clumped together in the middle … well … at least it was ‘last of the summer wine’ funny.

And so to the ‘ties’ task, which went on too long and showed how easy it is for silly/funny ideas to vanish into the thin crack between ‘silly’ and ‘funny’ and become boring. Lying on a sunbed, the comics were required, while remaining horizontal, to tie themselves down. Hanging just out of reach were dangling ties.

The winner was the ingenious lady from the trampoline, who - scorning the ties - scooted out on her back (thus remaining horizontal) and returned with a rope, which made things, for her, much simpler.

And so, huffing and puffing, we got to the final task: parking the vehicle. It was a kind of shove ha’penny with a variety of wheeled objects: a toy horse, a toy pram, a toy car and a shopping trolly. After one push, the vehicle had to freewheel into a numbered parking bay. In each round, the one furthest from the bay would be eliminated.

Of all the games, this became the most tense. Probably because it was happening in real time, with all the competitors together. The other tasks had all been done individually.

One by one, they were eliminated ‘till only two remained. They shook hands and sent their ‘vehicles’ off together, aiming for square 3.

The toy car zoomed too far, while the toy buggy ambled along, stopping short but still way closer than the car.

Whew! Run credits, that’s a wrap.

Have I put it on series record? I sure have. It’s silly and fun, a combination the world needs more of.

I just wish I’d discovered it earlier.

And that somewhat odd misquote from Christopher Columbus concludes the reviews for this episode of ‘I Review Freeview.’

Don’t forget, contact me through the website Ireviewfreeview.com or email contact@ireviewfreeview.com.

And - if you’re so minded, you can see what I’m going to review next time on IReviewFreeview.com, Isn’t life great!

Thank you for listening, and goodbye for now.

misquote from Christopher Columbus concludes the reviews for this episode of ‘I Review Freeview.’

Don’t forget, contact me through the website Ireviewfreeview.com or email contact@ireviewfreeview.com. 

Additionally, on IReviewFreeview.com. you can also see what I’m going to be reviewing next time. Oh Joy!

Thank you for listening, and goodbye for now.